There is darkness in the alley, the distant glow of the streetlight unconvincingly illuminates the path I have to take. I am not sure of the way, yet the familiar corners of the alley stir up a distant memory of blissful times.
As the road becomes more and more familiar, my heart beats more and more faster, shivers running up and down the spine and my pace quickens. Hurrying up to the iron clad gates, I subconsciously note that my legs have weakened and my hands are shaky.
I do not understand why I am reacting like this. This is nothing new – been there, done that. Yet on entering the compound and upon hearing the well known music my heart explodes with anticipation. A realization hits in the core of my heart – He is here, He is ready and He is waiting.
A new force takes over my body, I am now a mere spectator, reality has taken on a dream like quality – I can see my body rushing up the long never ending staircase, but I can’t feel the usual breathlessness and tiredness of exertion. Rushing down the long room – I spot Him standing there in all His glory - I am very much awake and alert.
We make eye contact - it is just me and Him in this moment, thousands of other people in the same room have ceased to exist, the music is on a full mute and we just gaze wistfully at each other. While I am mesmerized by the intensity of His gaze, He gently probes into the depth of my soul. With a twinkle in His eye and a bewitching smile, He assures that He loves me and promises that always will.
Flooded by guilt I break the moment and look away, the music washes over me again and the humungous crowd is alive and buzzing again.
This time I hungrily take in his whole appearance, His three fold bent form is covered by a soft yellow cloth and decorated with yellow and pink flowers. He stands bent so that it is difficult for the material world to pull him out of the heart, like a fish hooked onto its bait.
A bright blue sash is fastened around his hips which adds further emphasis to His posture and allows all to understand that indeed He is a magnificent dancer. His lips colored like ripe cherries seems to be kissing the flute which He has gently clasped in His hands and this leads to a desperate desire of hearing the melodious sounds which in a world far away are making the milk maids of Vrindavan giddy with desire. No such luck, in this lifetime.
His slender nose rests just above that ever changing smile – one moment His lips are smiling in mischief and the next as though He is just happy to see me. His almond shaped eyes help to continuously tease… dark as the night yet they still sparkle from his moonlike face. Just where His eyebrows are to meet, drawn is a red U shaped tilak leading all the way up his broad forehead which is partly covered in bright pink turban bedecked with jewels, flowers and peacock feathers -symbolizing that wherever He is present, the “Rain” of love and good fortune always falls.
Lost in his beauty, I float towards Him. Alas!! He is just two steps away, but we are separated by a sea of His more ardent lovers. I do not know how to approach Him, I do not understand how I can get closer to Him! While he stands there is all His magnificence, my insignificance obstructs me into approaching any closer. I shall have to be satisfied with just a far off glimpse.
As my heart plummets, and despair edges into my being, His more ardent lovers – who were just a moment ago - a hindrance, an unavoidable obstruction slowly but steadily push me towards His grace. With gentle nudging and soft pokes I am placed in the lotus feet of Gopinath.
I do not know how much time I have, I do my best to absorb where I am and what I am seeing. I am shell shocked at my good fortune when He teases – “Have you brought anything for me? Or did you forget your promise?”
My shaken faith in His divinity, voices that I am imagining this. How is this conversation even remotely possible? But as a counter argument to the logic of my brain, He brings back a memory to me.
A long forgotten desire conceived by passing thoughts weeks before the current day – to tie the Rakhi to the divine brothers Krsna-Balaram. This was the sole reason that I was right now at the feet of Gopinath.
Inserting my hands into my pockets I pull out the two extra rakhis - which were lying in my pocket for no apparent reason. He looks upon my feeble offering, flashes that mesmerizing smile and says “The thoughts of My pure devotees dwell in Me.”
Highly unsure of the purity of my devotion and still confused about the probability of this conversation, I look up into his eyes lost and bewildered and wait for further instructions. That’s when the surrounding devotees notice me tightly clutching the rakhis and again guide me to mini Krsna-Balaram deities.
Dusky Krsna stands handsome in his usual golden dhoti and flute while fair complexioned Balaram dressed in blue, rests his left hand on Krsna's shoulder with the right wielding his famous plough. Both the boys were decorated with flowers and garlands and had their right hands bedecked with many rakhis from different devotees.
With trembling hands I tie Krsna his rakhi and then Balarama next. I can feel my skin prickling with Goosebumps and tears stinging my eyes. However, the intensity of the emotion is stalled by the impurity of my devotion.
As soon as the deed is done, I find myself back at the end of the room – chanting, singing and dancing to the melody of His different names. The pleasurable dancing was to continue until the Prince of Vrindavan decides to retire for the night.
The evening was but expected to end, yet when the Prince was slowly being hidden by the closing maroon and golden doors, there was an insatiable and a heart wrenching desire to one last time feast eyes upon Him; His form, His flute, His hair, and those eyes of His– teasing, playing, mesmerizing…. once more, just once more and then again.
